JUDAISM -
So there are these people running around for a hell of a long time, right? Pretty sure they were called Hebrews, but it was so long ago, they really can't remember any more. They were a wacky group back in the day, 'cause they had this notion that there was only one God. In their holy text called The "Torah," it kinda named this all powerful dude, but it was all a buncha consonants - JHVH or something. Maybe Yahweh. Anyhow, the poor Jews had a favorite (huh?) pastime, and was getting persecuted. Moses was this awesome Disney character and he asked his god do a whole lotta nasty shit to the Egyptians so they could bolt. It worked, but when they were roaming the desert, Moses lost most of them somehow on the way to the Promised Land. That sucked. But Moses snagged the Ten Commandments, so props to him. The still get yelled at every few hundred years when idiots get bored and their Promised Land is a war zone. Poor Jews.
Jews have all kinds of traditions and rituals that nobody understands. The men wear little hats called "Yamukas" and some of them have weird curly side burns. There's a ton of stuff they won't eat, and most have never had a cheeseburger, 'cause they won't mix dairy and meat. (That's sad.) They have "Bar/Batmitvah's" for their kids when they hit puberty which is a big ass reason to party. Big, mutli-wick candles are lit at Christmas time, but they have, like, 8 days to celebrate or something.
CHRISTIANITY -
The Jews were hangin' out, being groovy and what-not. Then this dude said, "I'm the son of god and stuff." His mom was a different Madonna than the one who sang "Like A Prayer," and this Jesus fellow got a crew together and went around teaching and doing miracles. One of his buddies sold him out for a quick fix of smack and Jesus gets nailed to a cross. Just to show off, he returns from the dead a few days later and goes "PWNED!" All of his followers think the Jews had a good thing with the Torah, but decide it's just "The Old Testament." They make a new one, too, all about the not-so-dead son of god. Within a few years, everybody is a freakin' Christian because it's trendy. Then they all start to argue over how to read a book and run a church. Now we have 18 billion different types of Christians. Hooray.
Christians celebrate the birth of their Savior, which makes sense, and also his death/rebirth, which is a little spooky. They say it's cause he "died for our sins," but I don't remember that particular afternoon. There are so many off-shoots and side-cults based on Christianity now, it's a bit ridiculous. They really like those Ten Commandments, but only when they are convenient. A lot of them like to sing, but not very well. They are very good, however, at murdering people of other religions... and their own.
ISLAM -
And now we have Jews and Christians. Some of these folks have traveled into Persia where they still worship ancient Arabian gods. Everything's a big jumbly mess until this Muhammad chap steps up. God comes to him and says, "Jews are nice, and Jesus rocked and all, but I have a better idea for a book. Listen up!" God directly gives his words to Muhammad who writes this all down in the "Qur'an." He leaves Mecca, goes to Medina and fights a whole bunch. In the end, he was kinda pissy with the Jews and the Christians. Muslims all believe the Qur'an to be the literal word of Allah, but Gabriel had a hand in it, too. There are a number of different kinds of Muslims, but according to Fox News, there is only Sunni and Shiite and they're both bad.
Muslims pray constantly, always facing towards Mecca. This incessant prayer gets in their way of doing their best not to eat pork. (Although beef hotdogs are a-okay!) A good portion of the devoted men don't bother cutting their hair, and frequently wrap towels upon their heads because it is very hot in the desert. Let's be honest, Islam is the kid brother to Christianity who is chasing Judaism going "Me too, me too! Don't forget the Pagans!"
HINDUISM -
These are the Indians with the "Dot," not the "Feathers." They've been around a long ass time, probably longer than those Jews over there. Their Trinity is all about three gods as one. "Brahma the Creator" , "Vishnu the Preserver" and "Shiva the Destroyer." You can read all about their adventures, as well as Krishna, Rama, Kali and thirteen gazillion other deities in the holy book, the "Bhagavad-Gita." The world was hatched from an egg, and there's an elephant involved somewhere. Damn elephants. Oh, and they have this point system, like in RPG's but slightly more life-altering called Karma. And "Dharma" is not just that hot chick from that shitty sit-com. Om!
Hindu people love their damn cows, and won't eat them. They also used to have a very rigid caste system, which made everybody secretly miserable except the rich princes and the Untouchables. Thanks to the "Kama Sutra" all their sexy, kinky shit is world wide now. There was this little guy who was always old, and his name was Mohandas. He changed things for the better and is perhaps synonomous with contemporary thought entering into India. Yeah, Gandhi was kick ass in his loin cloth...
BUDDHISM -
Once upon a time, there was this Hindu Prince whose dad was way overprotective. He didn't want his son seeing any nasty shit, so he always kept the kid free of worldly pain. This plan failed. The kid grew up, ditched his wife, sat under a lotus tree for a long time in contemplation and walked away as the Buddha. He strolled around and told everybody that there biggest problem was that they "wanted," and this caused suffering. Everything was suffering to this dude. But he would tell a bunch of neat-o riddles that you would try and think about to reach "Zen," and things could get better. All in all, it sucks to be alive.
The Buddha died and everybody was super sad, but he pops up again. The Dali Lama runs around as the reincarnation of the old dude after meeting Kurt Cobain in Nirvana or something. They used to teach about the "Eight-fold Path" and the tantric ways in Tibet, but the Chinese drove them all out. 'Cause ya know those wily Buddhists, they cause so much trouble, setting themselves on fire in silent protest.
TAOISM -
So this crazy old guy lived out in the woods, and his name was Lao Tzu. He didn't bother anybody, but people always came to him with questions since the dude was so old (which translates into wise.) Even the local Prince would bother him for advice ever now and again, and Lao Tzu would just sigh and tell these fucks the best ideas he had. One day, he hears the Prince is going to do something stupid, so he actually leaves the woods and goes to the castle. The Prince tells Lao Tzu to shove off. Lao Tzu gives mankind the middle finger, gets on the back of a giant water buffalo and proceeds to ride off into the sunset. At the gate, a soldier begs him not to leave. Lao Tzu goes and sits under a tree with his buffalo, writes the "Tao Te Ching" in a few days, hands in to guard and bails out. The End.
Lao Tzu never preached a word of his religion/philosophy, so no one is sure what he really wanted. The Tao is "The Way" and is never fully explained, but is some kind of all powerful energy in everything that flows at all times. Okay. He came up with the concepts of the "Yin" and "Yang" along with the symbol that a bunch of white surfers would eventually steal. It's all about balance and big time mystical mumbo-jumbo of the like. The "I Ching" figures in here as well somehow...
CONFUCIANISM -
Confucius was a bastard. He pretty much spent all his time writing about how he "thought" people ought to act in polite society and seeking out a job with any Prince dumb enough to employ him. His Five Classics (Wu Ching) and Four Books (Ssu Shu) are nothing but civil service examples. Much more a philosophy than a religion, he must be thrilled that there are temples erected in his honor. Confucius met Loa Tzu once, actually. He was terrified of the old Taoist Master and likened him to a "Dragon." Pussy.
His teachings were big throughout the educational system of China for centuries. He came up with the "Golden Rule" on his own and generally wagged his finger at everybody, telling them to behave. There has been an unspoken feud between Confucianism and Taoism for centuries, because they sprung up at the same time and they are so drastically different. However, because of those differences, they are also able to co-exist together relatively peacefully. Americans came to know Confucius riddles through the aid of cookies served at Chinese restaurants. Ever notice how the notes have gone downhill recently?
OTHER STUFF -
There are other major world religions out there as well. Jainism, Shintoism, Sikhism, and Zoroastorism are some, but let's be honest... no one cares. There are Wiccans, of course, but they are a silly people. There's a bunch of semi-dead faiths floating around the Americas, but not enough people practice them to be recognize here. Plus I can't spell, let alone pronounce any of that Aztec shit. And Satanists, well... they're just bored.
Me, I believe in Chaos. I believe in a higher power without a name, face, identity or personality that doesn't give two shits. I believe death is the last great adventure and energy doesn't die, it just changes, so we go somewhere, do something. I'm not arrogant or ignorant enough to claim knowledge of that path, nor do I believe any one should take "faith" so damn seriously. Hence this post.
I could have just posted the URL Like this but where is the fun in that now really!
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